I blog or post because to me it’s therapeutic, cathartic. I do not do it for fame, notoriety, attention or anything else. People like to advise me on how much easier life would be if I just went along with the system and the status quo
I’ve honestly tried, but you can’t change nature, nurture or your destiny
The world is made up of every different type of people, so not all of us are going to fit in.
We were all created differently…
Don’t forget I was anonymous because the St Maarten Government OUTED me in 2010, so at first my number one priority was remaining in the dark, but being outed and ‘exposed’ by the government as a dissident blogger had the reverse affect and allowed me more freedom- and also straight hate from a system who did not like my honesty.
Some people hate my bluntness, but there are over one billion Facebook pages to select from. I always post PUBLIC, because ain’t no shame in my game, if you are interested, then you can my opinion. My inbox and my Facebook postings usually tell a different story.
However, MORE people love my way of expressing myself, because throughout every attack, the readers, followers and subscribers have grown by millions.
I’m used to a very difficult life. It’s something that if you can the option to avoid, you would at all costs, but I never had the luxury of that option.
We were raised in a wooden home with zero electricity and water until 1984.
Being raised without electricity and running water, helped me cope for years in the darkness, depending on a cistern when GEBE would cut my electricity for years at a time because I criticize the incompetence, and the fact that they were a monopoly, profiting off of the backs of St Maarten’s poorest.
If you were born and raised broke, you don’t jump under a train like many when things start to get tough.
The actual slang word is “Ghetto”.
The definition of ghetto that I mean is that if you don’t have something, you either do without, or you find a way to substitute or compromise.
I have read of people who committed suicide simply because they couldn’t live at the standards that they had grown accustomed to, so they chose the bullet option.
In my battle vs the St Maarten Government and system, every method, every technique was used to break me.
When genius plots failed then attacks, arrests, re-arrests …. the works.
Growing up, I remember being very angry and resentful of the children who always seemed to have, when my mom a housekeeper could barely keep is in shoes.
As an adult, I have not resented my tough upbringing since my late twenties because I know without it, I would not have survived.
There were days when my moms 300 guilders couldn’t cover the grocery bills in the house. Before I had lived with my grandmother, but living with my mother meant, there was some days when there was no food.
I remember the first time it happened, my mom just turned to me and said “If there’s no food in the house, if you have nothing to eat, no one has to know about it.”
Later AND now, there have been times where I’ve been forced to go without food or eating- for days. But because it’s not the first time, because I am pretty much used to going without food sometimes, even with the pneumonia and surgery, I still functioned as if everything was okay.
I didn’t even alter my Facebook postings, it was hard for people to tell what was going on in real life, because I chose to wait for things to get better, and not say too much.
The tumors added almost 20 pounds of unwanted, additional weight to my very small framed body.
I’m not supposed to be walking around with heavy backpacks etc, it makes it impossible to fully recover from the surgery.
But when someone asked me about it, I explained to her that it was a lot worse carrying around heavy equipment with 20 pound tumors shifting your organs around.
I survived because I had seen it worse.
If anyone told me that I could stay over, for my safety, and reassurance I always insisted that I sleep on the couch or floor.
My grandmother had 16 children, on days when the grandkids would be over sometimes, you have to pick a chair or floor.
Sleeping on the floor was not something that was going to break me.
Pain has always been a constant in my life. Some people attribute it to ‘bad luck’ or whatever, but if I had not gone through all the pain that I did in my life, without medication, or being able to see a doctor, then I certainly would not have survived this pain.
People honestly think that I’m asking for it if I post a sarcastic response to this one or that one, but the bottom line is people are going to do you wrong whether you choose to stay quiet, or react to it… so why not be open about it?
Many times I’ve been fighting for my life, balled up in the fetal position fighting for my life, and my Facebook alert will go off and I’ll post something snarky, or darkly humored. People assume that’s a sign that I’m okay, that I’m not sick… No, it’s a sign that I’m not dead YET, and pain won’t make that change.
Because I refuse to lose my sense of humor no matter how miserable it gets sometimes people think that I’m exaggerating, lying, being a fantasist etc, but if I were to post everything, NOBODY would believe it. People tell me to write a book, it’s hard to when you are facing death on a regular basis. However my daily diary/log of all events most posted privately will publish on a timer, and live on long after I’m gone 🙂
I do not know why I’m alive, I know many are flabbergasted and frustrated by that.
I am often flabbergasted and frustrated by that.
After all that I’ve been through, still I can’t dwell the dark pit of negativity that can seem to surround me, I can only dwell on the fact that I’m still standing strong.
Weakened by determined.
Last week I could barely breath, could not eat, now I’m breathing and forcing myself to try to consume a few calories every hour or so. I am always the first person to tell you that I’m a flawed person, that I’m a work in progress. Just because I might rub you the wrong way, does not make me a bad person. I know that I can be irritating, although some might use stronger adjectives 🙂 But I for one tend to avoid people, sites and media that I loathe.
People need to understand that I DON’T LIKE ME ALL OF THE TIME!
I’m irritable, opinionated, short tempered, annoying, won’t shut up when I’m upset, always insisting on logic and answers, accountability etc etc etc… Frankly I would have a hard time dealing with me on any consistent basis. However after everything, countless jail vacations based on opinions or statements not on any actual crime. I’m still pretty much the same stubborn person that I was when I was age two and would disagree with my mom.
Being put in dangerous situations by people who I helped, but turns out were using me for their own motives and gain has given me a new perspective on the human animal and life. If I’m still breathing, has it just been a life lesson?
Couldn’t I have received a more ‘subtle’ message???
I was born the way I am, I cannot change to fit your definition of me, or I would have, simply to avoid all of this.
After all of the pain, hardship and suffering because I can’t kiss butt to certain peoples specificationo, and because I chose to be honest and blunt has caused me strife and to lose anything.
Anyone who knew me as a baby, child, teenager can tell you that I’m the exact same person.
Before I used to get into trouble, spankings and lashings in kindergarten and elementary school. Suspensions and expulsions at Milton Peters College and the Academy.
FOR SPEAKING OUT AND BEING CONSIDERED TO BE ‘DIFFICULT’
A lot of hardship, pain and tragedy in the United States.
But I kept waking up the next morning, which means that I was not dead but stronger.
On more than one occasion I have tried to change for other people. I realized that my opinions, my snark, sarcasm and the way I expressed myself naturally would keep me in trouble. I’ve TRIED to convert to other’s ideals, but it could not happen.
I am who I am, unless a Higher Power intervenes to change me, that’s how I will die, even if me doing and saying what I believe to be right hastens my death.
Everyone has their own way of self medication. Everyone knows that mine is blogging, working out or writing. I would LOVE to choose liquor 🙂 But I’m not supposed to drink 🙂 at all!
So I made the choice to stop drinking alcohol.
To be fair though, if you were trapped in this nightmare wrapped within a nightmare, you might want to drink yourself into an oblivion too.
Some people think that I over posted or give out too much personal info…
I post what I want people to read, it could be too much for some, but for each his own.
You never see me on other people’s Facebook or websites criticizing their content.
Life is too short, I block, unfriend, don’t visit if I don’t like your content. I wish it were that easy for others.
One of the things that keep me still standing strong is knowing that my mom and grandma went through way more than I did in their own lives. I believe my mom and grandma has been protecting me, and I don’t care who scoffs at my beliefs.
I don’t belittle your beliefs whether it be of faith, agnostic or atheist, so grant me the same courtesy-thank you.
It does bother me when I see people who all their lives do the wrong things, cause people pain and hurt and they seem to prosper, when those who try to do good it seems are punished, remain in poverty and are constantly before for to defend against attacks, physical, cyber you name it.
Forgive any typos that I might post NO GLASSES=LEGALLY BLIND BUT STILL BLOGGING 🙂 .
In Leeuwarden, one female confirmed something to me after I confronted her about someone who had dragged name and reputation through the trenches, sewer and gutter.
At first I tried not to say anything, I arrived in The Netherlands, in shock, disoriented, bleeding with concussions, trying to withdraw from one of the most destructive medications name Desyrel which the doctors had used to alleviate my moods since I fell into a deep depression after the June Arrest when they killed the animals.
I confronted this female about the accusations that had been made against her by her ‘friend’ who told me NOT to trust her. I was not accusing her, but it had been bother me, and I just wanted the.
Unlike many, I can’t just smile in your face when there is a lot going on that’s confusing. Basically the female confirmed to me that what had been said about her by her friend was true.
And she said “Judith, I know that you’re telling the truth, because he’s the only person who I’ve confided this information to.”
She then explained that she had been indiscreet when skypping about this person, she understood his anger, and would forgive him. This truly puzzled me, but I was not in a position to analyze anyone’s decision. She thought I was trying to play her moral authority. She then told me “You’re very judgemental (I’m NOT), you act mightier than thou, and you impose your moral judgement on others. 1) I’m not judgmental, and if I form an opinion or judgement about a person, I usually keep it to myself. Although I was raised in a very hypocritical judgmental family, it took over a decade of living in the USA to overcome their shallow and narrow ways of thinking.
Basically this female had confided in her ‘friend’, that she was a retired prostitute. She then revealed some very private info about him, via Skyppe, and HE HEARD EVERYTHING!
He had told me not to trust her, because that’s all she was, and that she was still tricking. In shock, I didn’t know who to believe so I confronted her about the allegations, then she openly admitted to them, but called me moral and judgmental. I explained to her bluntly, and this is exactly how I said it to this female, and anyone who knows me will know it’s true.
I told her bluntly “I do NOT care who you fucked in the past, all I care about is that you do no fuck ME over!”
It is harsh, but I felt people were trying to manipulate and control me, I was starting to realize that their intentions for me was neither altruistic no pure, but for ulterior motives- I could help them get what they wanted and needed. It took a while to come around, but I usually try to hold out hope that people will do the right thing.
This female of course effed me over, but in the process also destroyed herself, she’s pretty much now trapped in her own worst nightmare.
I’ve had a tough time, but my dreams are being fulfilled daily.
Anyone who knew my original blogs from 2009-2013 could be outrageous. I was bombastic, scorch the earth and the ‘kitchen sink’.
Health, medical and maturity has slowed me down a lot, circumstances also, but I don’t regret slowing down.
I’ve been trying to for a long time. I’ve even tried to retire from blogging, but they won’t let me. I have tried to restrain my rage, anger and annoyance with certain situations and people… TRIED!.. sometimes the old Judith jumps out.
I will be the first to admit that I have outbursts, but they are not as bad as they used to be.
Evidently 20 pounds weighing on the organs that create female hormones may trigger bad moods, and occasional outburst.
Especially when you are trying to explain the pain, and people are treat a tumor the size of a football like it’s bad PMS.
I have flipped online on people. When that happens, if I regret it, or believe that it was too much, I usually remove the post when I’ve calmed down.
Anyone who takes pleasure in any hardship or pain that I’ve gone through especially with the death of my mom, pets, and pretty much being abandoned to die in the streets of the Netherlands need to realize that after all that has happened, I’m still blogging, MUCH BIGGER AND WIDER audience-zero resources. I’m just not as much as I used to and not as bombastic or shock-jock as I used to be. That’s been a choice.
I have prayed to mellow with age, but sometimes there is that original gremlin, frustrated and enraged at the world trapped inside me who makes a surprise appearance.
In all honesty, there have been MANY, MANY times that I’ve wanted to give up. It’s that simple. And I’ve confided in certain people behind the scenes exactly so. My honest feelings. Why am I still alive? Why am I being forced to suffer? There have been many days that I’ve woken up, angry to have actually woken up alive. As a person who prefers the company of laptops and cameras, I don’t think people should be surprised that I am not always on my ‘best behavior’ most social behavior.
I was betrayed by those I helped for NOTHING, then abandoned and forced to survive among a bunch of strangers, many of them soulless zombies simply working for a check, and whatever status their job title gave them.
My grandmother was more easy going, the ‘sly-Anguillan’ and she raised me for the first few years, but my mom was a tough nut to crack, and everyone said that she spit me out. (The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree). Because I lack social skills etc, I prefer to be solitary, but they have made even that luxury impossible.
So I will make the best of a lousy situation, and I guess we call all kick back and see what happens next.
People’s TRUE issue with me is my brain, laptops, devices and cameras. Some it seems fear me more than they would fully armed, suicide bombers.
If they had invested as much into local ISIS agents infiltration, terrorism and crime, then maybe they would have less time for me.
To be continued 🙂